While visiting a friend for the NBC Survivor premier on October 11, 2001, the President breaks in with his address to the nation concerning 911. Stress and fear are the winning emotions for this month to say the least. So, we lit cigarette, then another, and then maybe one more while coming to terms that our twin towers and over 3000 people were…gone. Unfortunately, the cigarettes didn't comfort me any because they were aggravating the pain in my lungs. Sharp and lasting pains. Not to mention I couldn't inhale very deeply. Haven't been able to for years. Made those positions in yoga all the more challenging. I left her house still hurting from smoking so much, so I lit another. Bad idea. I put it out.
October 11, 2001 -- I am consumed with the terror strike in NY. Nothing in my life compares to this tragedy. People are saying, “God is mad at us,” “he lifted his veil,” “we are the New Babylon.” Why are people talking about God on the radio anyway, didn't used to. I went to bed but I couldn't get the fear out of my mind. Why did this happen God? Who did this to us? Why? Did you let it happen? Are you mad at us? Please help our country God, we are scared. If we made you mad I am sorry. Please help their country too. Bless us, bless them. Help us, help them. It went on and on like this. (Man, my lungs are hurting bad at this point.) Well, looks like I am asking for world peace God. How funny is that. I know I'm not the first person to ask for world peace. Hasn't happened. I felt alone. And here I am with painful lungs due to my own fault and I'm asking for world peace. Who am I to ask you for anything. I felt vulnerable in so many ways. I am breathing shallow. I think maybe my lungs hurt more laying down. Just relax… breath… ask for help. Dear God, I don't know if I can ask for something for myself but my lungs really hurt. I got it out, feeling much more comfortable now. God, my lungs hurt, will you help me. In Jesus’ name, please help me. I never talked to God like that before. I was sincere and pretty scared. Only I didn't get to finish my prayer. As I thought the words “help me” in an instant I heard a cracking noise and a pop in my chest with a snap of light all at once. Nothing huge, but very real. My lungs filled with cold air but no pain. None. I poked my chest with my fingers and nothing. I sat up in bed. This all happened so quick. I jumped out of bed and started taking really deep inhales and realized how different I felt. I haven't been able to breath that deep in years. Still no pain. What is going on here? I am terrified, pacing my hallway late at night. Confused and excited all at once. I keep breathing in deep. I fell to the floor and said over and over I am not worthy. I felt like I was on “Wayne's World”. But, I didn't feel worthy. I just wanted the pain to stop. Why this? Why now?
The next morning, I didn't have my ritual cigarette with coffee and I had to tell my husband why. We aren't church going, praying people. I mean, I talk to God when it suites me, but not “one of them.” That day I was confronted with my “fixed lungs” all day. Car exhaust was horrible, our fire pit out back was too much for me to breath. Cigarette smoke coming my way was intolerable. I had to tell my friend whose house I was at the night before what had happened to me. She simply said, “Huh, you got a do-over.”
So God, how bout that world peace I was mentioning earlier.
So much has happened in my life since then. I began a more personal search for God. I have found a wonderful church and have recommitted my life to Christ. I am being baptized 02-08-04. God has grace for everyone
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